Sunday, January 10, 2010

Prince Charming to the Rescue!

He had saved me, once again.. it was like no matter how hard I fell, he was right there to pick me back up. That's one of the reasons I had fell in love with Josh in the first place. He was there when no one else was, when my world was crumbling, when I couldn't take even looking at myself in the mirror.. he saved me. For me, that was hard to except. I never liked the fact that I had needed him, like I wasn't strong enough because the truth is I was. In so many ways I was stronger then I had imagined, but with him came this weakness. A weakness I could never explain; it was almost as if I knew he was always going to put the pieces back together for me, it was as if I had stopped trying to do it myself. In reality, I was capable of keeping myself together I just didn't want to try anymore. I was tired of being "kept together!" I was tired of people saying how they would be acting if they were in my shoes. I was tired of being strong because everyone didn't want me to be, and I gave them exactly what they wanted. To tell you the truth, my days haven't been sunny in a while. I'm not your average 18 year old "daddy's little girl." When I was 7 I had lost my father and yes, it was tragic. I went through bullshit on all ends, between dealing with his death and a mother who picked her boyfriend over her kid wasn't an appealing situation. I guess he had offered her more then I could at the time, good grades didn't get me the attention that I craved. She was supposed to be both parents when he had left. She had wrapped herself up into something I couldn't control anymore. He was the typical "I'll take care of you kind of guy." While he was taking care of her, he was taking care of her if you know what I mean. Josh came like a bird out of the sky, he had scooped me up and promised I would never have to go back down. In Josh's head, was always a plan. He was going to get us out of here one way or another, and he would die trying if he had to. A character in his own way, that's exactly what he did. He had paved the path for us to broaden our horizons, he had brought the sun back into my life. But at the end of the day, could we still fly away together?...

Welcome to Reality.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Falling Apart

So obviously I decided to go to the shore.. and yes I had a good trip! Baking on the beach was one of the BEST ideas I had all summer. Then suddenly everything was falling apart all over again. It seemed the more I picked myself up, the harder I fell down. In reality, the only place I wanted to be was with him and me being on vacation made me miss him even more. I started to think of all the things that made me love him, all of his imperfections, even the little things that bothered me I had started to long for. I missed the way he would stumble to the bathroom in the morning and the imprint on his face from the blanket. The way his hair would be a mess but he made it look so good, I even started to miss him breathing down my back in the middle of the night. I longed for his touch, but for some odd reason I could feel him still linger in my bed. I could smell him all around me, even in my sheets. Those were the little things that made it better, but also made it harder to be alone. Those were the things I looked forward to when a phone call couldn't ease my loneliness. But at the end of the day one thing remained the same: I couldn't live without him. I was on an abandoned emotional roller coaster, and it wasn't going to stop until its conductor had come back. Without him, I was just stuck on the track. Was anyone coming to save me?...

Welcome to Reality.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Keeping it Together

Let's face it, the whole time Josh was away I was a complete mess! For a whole month, I don't even think I moved off the couch.

I had the same routine everyday:
1) wake up & shower (brush teeth etc.)
2) eat, that's if I had an appetite
3) stalk his life
4) wait for a phone call

But then I realized... This guy is having the time of his life! What the hell am I doing sitting on a fucking couch for Christ's sake! So I started doing things for me. Starting with the gym, maybe three times a week? I figured out ways to make myself feel beautiful even if he wasn't around to kiss me on my forehead and tell me that I was. I guess you could say I kinda sorta went through a personality crisis. But hey! Who said this experience was life changing for just him? Pretty soon I was on my way to a whole new me!! Tighter body, different hair, new attitude. This was going to be the BIGGEST summer of his life, why was I wasting mine? Time called for a trip to the shore ( yes, the Jersey shore.) I don't mean the Jersey shore with all the guidos & guidettes, but North Wildwood. Even though it was only with family, baking on the beach in my itty bitty bikini didn't sound so horrible! On the other side it did. I had to go back to the place where me and him had shared some of our first memorable moments. I wasn't so sure if I was ready to go back without him..

Welcome to Reality.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How exactly should I feel?

Before I knew it, I was about to sink my teeth into something I couldn't bare to chew. I mean, how exactly should I feel? I was only fifteen years old when this guy had turned my life around. I couldn't even imagine spending 4 days without him let alone 4 months, especially with a past like his. Come on now, every dog has had his day but he has had plenty. This is the guy who didn't even mention he had a girlfriend of SIX years for the first month we dated. What was going to happen when tons of women every night were throwing themselves at him and I'm 143 miles away? When we're not together its like neither of us knows what to do. He becomes an egotistical jerk-off, and I become somebody I have never met. Now picture that guy, with many females and a LOT of alcohol: I think your catching my drift? But who says goodbyes are ever easy, even if they are temporarily...

Welcome to Reality.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Finding Out the Hard Way

Before I knew it not only was my boyfriend's life changing before his eyes, so was mine and our relationship. We were about to go through 4 months of pure ABSOLUTE hell! Sometimes I wondered why no one has written a book to prepare people for what the world knows as "reality." Why did this have to happen to what seemed like a perfect relationship, more importantly, MINE!! How is one supposed to prepare for life as a reality star's girlfriend? Not many people could even speak these words, but should I love it or hate it? I was constantly reminded of how many people would die to be in my position, but the question is: "Would my relationship die in the process?" I could tell you first hand it was not the best of times, but will come a change in his life.... also mine.

My name is
Ashley &
Welcome to Reality.